Lovelythots

Numbing

2011-11-11T17:36:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry I never knew you. I'm sorry we don't talk. But I've run out of things to say to you, probably. Or I'm just afraid. I never meant any harm to anyone. I only feel in the way. I only wanted a friend.
I hope I don't regret anything.

There is so much in my head but even I don't understand myself anymore. Thoughts and images blur together to keep me from feeling anything true. Maybe I've always been like this, maybe it's the drugs. But I'm still not numb enough. When will it be?

Yep, stuff

2011-11-02T20:21:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I have to go to the doctor's and I'm pretty scared. I don't know what to expect.

I'm not really sure how to make friends on this site. I'm so used to LiveJournal... it's weird.

I've been pretty uninspired lately. But we might have made friends our age who seem awesome, and one is from San Lois Obispo! I really want to live there if not only for The Honey Trees... but working at Disneyland again would probably be much more inspiring. I don't know if I could have any other job, I don't think I'm good enough to have a real career. At least not one that I'm happy with. I was always happy at Disney.
The problem is that I can't use a job with my hands much. My arthritis and pinch nerves are getting worse. I probably shouldn't be writing so much or attempting NaNoWriMo, but oh well.

I'm not ready for the snow. My body hates the cold, a LOT. I never realized it until I lived here (in Utah). So I'm feeling better about moving to California again. I miss not having malls or wal-marts or REAL restaurants.

This is all kinds of random. A couple weeks ago, Tom's grandma died of natural causes. She had a brain tumor that hurt her constantly. She had died two years ago and was brought back, which she was super pissed about. The month before she passed she started refusing food and water. We were as ready as we could be but it was still heart breaking when she did. I saw her about 15 minutes after she died. It was the first time I had ever seen a dead person in real life... and it was emotional trying.
A few days later Tom's family got together for a small cremation ceremony in The Valley of Fire, which is about 40 minutes from Vegas. It was such a gorgeous place, I couldn't even begin to describe it. Anyways, Tom read an amazing poem he had written and we said prayers, and left.

Last year I lost my Grandpa (on Thanksgiving) and now that I work at a Senior Citizen Center I'm seeing illness and death all around me. Perhaps another reason why I've been too down to do much.

photo challenge 03

2011-07-22T15:47:00.000-07:00

Day 03 - A picture of your inspiration for weight loss.

kind of a weird question, but okay. Zooey Deschanel is one of my biggest idols and I hope to look even a little bit like this on my wedding day.

Eisley in Hollywood!

2011-07-03T15:11:00.000-07:00

So, Eisley has been my favorite band for about six or seven years. A couple months ago I got to finally watch them live at the Troubadour in Hollywood. I was so close to Stacy's keyboard I could have marked it, or unplug it. It was one of the best days of my life! Even though I didn't get to meet Eisley, I did get to talk to Christie Dupree (who is also just as talented as her older sisters) and she was super sweet!! I've also been talking to them on facebook! They make me so happy!

Picture time (two)

2011-07-02T16:29:00.000-07:00

A photo of you and someone the most special to you.

Simple as heck. He is the most amazing person to come into my life.

Photographs and bravery

2011-04-16T14:32:00.000-07:00

30 challenge, let's see if I can keep it up!

Day One - Photo of yourself and ten facts.

One from the most recent professional photoshoot

Ten Facts:

I've lived in the desert almost my whole life.
I sing in the car all the time. and dance in front of the mirror.
I've worked for Disney twice, Disneyland & WDW.
I'm suppose to be in physical therapy 3 times a week, due to arthritis and scoliosis, but I can't afford it. Same with my therapist.
I really really really consider myself lucky to have my boyfriend back. Our relationship is better and stronger than ever, although stress in getting us a bit cranky.
My biggest fear is causing a car crash and hurting someone else.
My doctor changes my medications a lot (especially right now) so I'm not acting much like myself. Starting new meds is very hard to go through, and still kind of having abandonment issues.
I am 1/4 German, and a mix between Scottish and British.
My name means white spirit in celtic, and was branched from the name Gwenevere.
Ice coffee is my favorite drink.

This journal will remain public, but I do have a private journal for writing more personal stuff.

2011-02-21T12:16:00.000-08:00

Follow my blog with bloglovin

Thomas and I are so happy now :) but both sets of parents disapprove. He wants to get hitched, which would be easier for us to stay together. But I have cold feet... I'm worried i won't be a good wife... I dont know.

2010-10-08T16:15:00.000-07:00

Eh

2010-08-21T19:06:00.000-07:00

Apparently I'm no good at writing. Oh well.

Yesterday was Thomas' birthday ... we treated ourselves to gourmet pizza (Sbarro... stuffed broccoli and spinach pizza). There is a hat that he wants, but it's a bit expensive. There's also a game he wants. I feel bad because I can't really afford it, but it's his freakin' birthday. Uhg... paying rent is LAME.

I've been working a lot (I caught TWO mice at work. Yes... caught) ...they should probably do something about that. The mice are awfully cute, though.
And I have also seen "Vampire's Suck" and "Scott Pilgrim."

Tom is at his birthday party that I should be at but have been way too sick to really do anything, so I am probably going to bed.

In memory of the beach...

Oh dear

2010-08-11T20:45:00.000-07:00

Seems that I'm not keeping up with this very much! But for the record, things have been extra tough lately. I don't have many luxuries, not even a cell phone! Paying rent and saving up is nearly impossible.

Anyway, I've not been able to edit any photos or anything, life is pretty lame at the moment, but get stuff up soon. In the meanwhile, a photo.

BAEDA - (A)lmost every day

2010-08-06T22:41:00.000-07:00

I missed another day, whoops... I had boring adult things to do.

Exciting things...
Going to the beach tomorrow. Even though we really can't afford it, it's not fair we have to keep canceling it. I still don't know where to go, I kind of want to just be spontaneous and document everything.

Sunday - Work, then to our friend's Matt's. Yay!

Next week we're going to go watch Weird Al's concert he's playing at the OC Fair. It's really not that expensive and come on... Weird Al! But oy, we are going to be broke for a while.

After that, I was thinking I needed to plan a trip to Disneyland but honestly... I'd rather just find a place to live!

BEDA - Three-ish

2010-08-04T22:57:00.000-07:00

Oye, it's already almost midnight and I've barely been able to come online at all. Which is fine by me right now.

Trip to the beach was delayed, due to lack of funds. But it's fine, I guess... because we will go to a beach Saturday instead, possibly Venice, Long Beach (Queen Mary...?), or Dog Beach.
To kill heavy traffic time (uhg... I hate L.A.) we went to an Edwards and watch Dinner For Schmuck's.

That's basically all I've got for right now, trying my bestest to stay positive.

BEDA - Day two except really three

2010-08-03T21:06:00.000-07:00

Sigh... I can already tell this is going to be a chore.
But I need to write for improvement reasons!
Who ever said that writing helps cure mental distress anyways?

Today I worked, and basically edited photos such as:
Awww sometimes, even when we're dirt broke with nothing but the clothes in our bags (because that's how our life is practically) I still feel like the luckiest girl in the world because I have the sweetest, most amazing, patient, hilarious ever.
Which brings up the question...

WHY AREN'T WE MARRIED YET?

Well, my ghost readers... Thomas has not a job at this particular point in time, which bring uncomfortableness in the subject of weddings. You see, because I want a nice wedding. Not a Vegas hitching adventure... though that is quite tempting sometimes... He feels that I deserve SOME kind of wedding that I have been dreaming up since I was a kid.
No joke...

Ok... maybe this blogging everyday isn't so bad. I just wish I could get some readers.

Tonight: It's the mother of the house's 50th birthday. There was supposed to be a "party" but it's already almost 10pm and nobody has said anything. Though, I am certain there is cake downstairs, and that's all that matters.

Tomorrow: SANTA MONICA! I'm so excited! I haven't been swimming at the beach all summer, and I haven't done a shoot in months. I hope it goes ok :)

BEDA - Count me in

2010-08-02T18:11:00.000-07:00

BEDA - Blog Every Day August
Even though I already missed August 1st due to unforeseen circumstances... I'm certain it doesn't matter & I'll start a day late anyways.
I don't want to make a proper update since things have still not gotten well. But hopefully I will be accepted for disability which seems to be the only thing left to try at the moment. Even though I've virtually no support, I'm trying to push myself to care, do things, make updates, make more art, etc. It's pretty difficult when your will to give up is stronger.... but if I don't do this I'm afraid I'll have to accept failure, which may lead to bad things. But I can't focus on that right now.

Anyways, I'm trying to take a liking to photography. I can't motivate myself to take new photos lately (I even almost sold my camera....) because I couldn't see the beauty in anything. But since I lost a lot of weight, I feel a bit better about modeling so hopefully I can try and get back into that again.

Until then it's just editing old photos like crazy to keep my mind off of things.

Positive things:

Tonight: Watching The Runaways (by myself... ) ... I don't want to be alone right now, but I'm stranded and have no choice. I can only hope someone online keeps me company.
I need to start several art projects tonight anyways...

Tomorrow: I work (only 3 hours but at least it's something?)
Must see a movie too... Inception? Or Dinner with the Schmucks? Or both?
Get started with masquerade painting already!

Wednesday: I must work on getting SSD and I have a phone interview with a company that can help me qualify. Hooray!
Going to Santa Monica Beach for a photo shoot and maybe a (cheap) date with tom. Financial strain in life is getting in the way of love. How annoying.

Everything after that is unknown (which I haaaaaate) but hopefully the ebay items we sold will help!!! We don't need THAT much for rent, it's just... well, I lost weight.... involuntarily.. and I'll leave it at that.
Oh I need to get some dresses on ebay too... oye!

Nautical things

2010-07-19T21:02:00.000-07:00

Nautical Summer by lovelythots featuring Juicy Couture bags

My perfect summer day involves going to the beach with my love, swimming in the ocean and relaxing on the sand. What's your perfect summer day?

2010-05-26T23:38:00.000-07:00

i have a down side

2010-02-07T23:44:00.000-08:00

bday

2010-01-05T23:31:00.000-08:00

birthday wishes by lovelythots featuring Forever21

Items in this set:
Lucky Star Dress in Rock, $80
Navy Pier Dress, $50
Je Ne Sais Quoi Dress-Mod Retro Indie Clothing & Vintage Clothes, $200
A Formal Affair Dress-Mod Retro Indie Clothing & Vintage Clothes, $110
Fifties Sitcom Dress-Mod Retro Indie Clothing & Vintage Clothes, $110

What I would like, besides a place to live. I don't expect to get anything, but it's nice to dream.

Tom and I are on the verge of being homeless, again. Sometimes I really wonder if life will get better. It doesn't seem like it does. I hope I don't have another bad depression episode. I don't think I want to go through it again, or could.

2009-12-28T21:19:00.000-08:00

Christmas kind of sucked this year. Actually this was probably the worst Christmas I've ever had... I worked for the first time on Xmas and I was sick, but it wasn't too bad, since I wasn't too sick yet. I didn't really expect anything this year, which is good since that's what I got... but something about it was just so depressing. The only thing I could really be happy for was the fact that Tom and I are together and happy.
Usually I love the holidays but not this year.
I think the best thing I got was a $50 gift card to modcloth.com from a lovely friend that I've never met. (and a $50 visa card, but I've already had to spend almost half of it on medicine.)
But it makes me a bit sad to think that nobody I know in real life got me anything... I'm probably just thinking too deep. And it's true that I didn't get anyone anything (yet) but that's only because I don't get paid for another week. But even still... I'll spoil the people I like.

I plan to save at least $100 every paycheck, so that Tom and I can move by the time I'm off probation and can relocate to another theatre. At least that's the plan so far.

The rest of my checks will likely go to wedding stuff and bills.

Speaking of weddings... the other night I dreamed (dreamt?) that Thomas and I were getting married, but I was dressed in black and was unhappy about it but nobody cared. I don't think that it's a sign that we shouldn't get married or anything... but more like I feel out of control with picking out my wedding dress... because I had a particular type I wanted... but Tom said no. And I have to pick a 'modest' dress from the LDS wedding site. But the problem is that the only dresses I actually somewhat like are too expensive... and the ones in our budget are hideous. We kind of agreed on one.. but I'm still not very pleased with it. I'm settling, and it's getting me down. I almost don't even want to plan anymore.
I respect that he wants it to be modest... and I'm trying really hard to go by all of his rules... but I kind of think there should be some kind of middle ground, or something. I don't know... maybe I should just shut up.

2009-11-30T21:42:00.001-08:00

I think my money problems might be over. But at what price?

2009-11-03T11:58:00.000-08:00

Tom and I have to separate because we can't afford to live in this apartment anymore. We're already packing, because we don't have this month's rent... so we'll probably be out in a day or two. I'm going back to my mom's and he's going to his dad's. We both will save up until we can afford to live together again. But until then... we'll be an hour and a half apart.
He says he would come with me to my mom's but it's too far... and his car wouldn't be able to make it to his current job or school, which is understandable. But I don't know if I can be without him for so long. It could take months before we can save enough.
I've been crying for the past two days just thinking about being without him.
Not to mention I HATE it at my mom's house. It's awful. It's SO lonely. Plus my dog is dying, and I would really prefer to not have to watch her die.
I really don't know how I'm going to make it. He keeps me sane. He keeps me happy and makes me feel loved. There's nothing I can do.

...

2009-10-24T10:08:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm headed into a pretty dark place. Both physically and mentally.
Things with Tom and I are okay for the most part, though when I get really down we tend to argue and he has a temper and I get even more down.

I just really hope that this is the dark before the dawn.

---

I've been trying to figure out how to plan a (tiny, obviously) wedding/elopement that is cheap yet is still reasonably pretty. I've realized that there's no way I'm going to have my 'dream wedding'. (Seriously, I've always dreamed of a perfect wedding).
There's just no way we can afford anything.
Tom's parents can't (or won't) help pay, and my parent's have had too many medical problems lately to help (my dad has cancer).
I can't take out a loan because I'm in too much debt from last year when we were homeless and had to live in a hotel for three months. And Tom can't even get a bank account thanks to his ex-wife and Hook.
Originally I just wanted a Church Ceremony (free) and then a small reception (with MAYBE 20 people) in a garden. And I was going to make as much as I could by myself... but then I realized that I couldn't find a garden to rent for a couple hours for less than $500. And that's not including chairs, tablecloths, lights, and whatever else. I even considered a backyard wedding but guess what... I don't know anybody with a decent size backyard that isn't a Bishop. Plus I would still have to rent all that stuff. I just don't understand how anyone in this economy can afford a nice wedding. But plenty of people seem to be able to.
Apparently in my town, the average a couple spends on a wedding is $30,000. But now since the economy has gone to shit the average is only $20,000.
"Oh poor me... I only have twenty grand to spend on a wedding. What ever shall I do?" SHUTTHEFUCKUP.

In addition to having no money for a wedding, our lease is up in a month and we are in serious danger of either being homeless, or separated. I don't know what I'll do if we're separated for half a year or so. That would really, really suck.
Tom got laid off but has since then acquired a job. He hasn't started yet... but I don't think it will help much anyway. I have an interview next week but... who knows what will happen. I guess all we can do is pray and hope for the best, while preparing for the worst.

Not to mention that my dog of almost ten years is dying, and I wouldn't be surprised if she IS dead and my mom just doesn't want to tell me. I'll find out eventually. I don't ask her about it because if she is dead I'll probably cry for a long, long time.

And of course I mentioned in my other journal that I have lost SIX friends in the past year (most in the past few months) and I honestly don't understand why or how.
Not much is keeping me from having a breakdown.

2009-09-17T00:41:00.000-07:00

Apparently I have one follower so hurray! Pretty much nobody will be reading this.

The job with re-mart totally fell through, and for an insane reason. Basically, long story short, the guy that got us the job, has a wife that for some reason is really jealous of me so she decided to take her raging jealousy out on us.
So we're just about dirt broke, with bills piling up. The electricity got shut off today which was amazingly stressful and resulting in going to pawn shops and me almost selling my camera, which I will probably have to eventually anyways. ... But I can get more for it on Craigslist than a pawn shop.
I have been searching far and wide for work still to no avail. Why is nobody hiring? This town sucks, and I'm kind of starting to lose hope. I really want to believe things will work out, but I'm just not sure. Tom deserves better than me.

Dailybooth! Jobs! Ummm... wedding?

2009-08-20T18:28:00.000-07:00

I want to stress again for you to visit my dailybooth! I only have one friend on there and I feel quite lonely. More people should sign up!
http://dailybooth.com/lovelythots

Anyways, I just got hired at a place called Re-Mart. It's a super store that sells items other places don't want (mostly because they are damaged, missing pieces, etc) for really cheap.
Don't worry, I'm not working behind the counter at minimum wage. I'll actually be in the back, doing inventory and pricing the items. Thomas (who has been working there a week already) says it's fun and amazingly easy, and we choose our own hours! And most of the time the workers there are just surfing the web anyways since it's so lax. AND it's $10.00 (the most I've ever been paid minus being a scenic painter at Knott's) AND under the table... .NO TAXES!
I'm also starting a free-lance graphic design job with a company called Non Stop Label. ... but I probably won't get much work from them for a while since I'm still so new to it, but I start training tomorrow.

So I'll be working at Re-mart full time, NSL whenever they send me stuff, plus I still have school part time (though with the homework they give me, it so feels like full time. I'll be working on homework for at least 25 hours this week alone, and that's not counting the eight hours I spend in class).
Honestly I have my doubts that I won't be able to handle it. I'm sure to most it doesn't sound like much, but the anxiety disorder I have is for this kind of stuff... being busy and working and doing things I don't enjoy doing, not getting enough sleep, not being able to do anything I like to do, etc... and I'm afraid I'll start hating my life and I get panic attacks. I'm not worried about the jobs so much, but I'm not really liking the classes I have this quarter and they require SOOO much work that I dread doing it so badly that I end up crying. Silly, I know. I get overwhelmed pretty easily.

Anyways.... trying not to think of that stuff right now...
I'm taking Mormon 'lessons' in order to get baptized. I was actually supposed to get baptized this Saturday, but I've miss too many of the lessons for various reasons so I have to push it back a few weeks.
But um, there's a problem... the Bishop won't baptize me if I'm living with Thomas, since we're not married. So, he either has to move out until we get married, or we get married.
So... I guess it's really not so much of a problem as just scary... we don't want to be separated.... so we might be getting married in the next couple weeks.
It won't be the 'real' wedding, since I want an actual decent wedding, (tea party themed!), so we'll probably just get hitched so it's legal. Then, in about a year, we'll have our public wedding. Is that lame? I really wish we could afford a wedding right now, but we can't, and I'd like it to be nice, you know?
I don't know... things are crazy. We don't have any real plans... and I don't even have a ring.... or dress.... or anything. *sigh*
Comments/ questions/ tips would be marvelous.

Love is just a game

2009-07-03T23:18:00.000-07:00

I can't believe this is three years old...
I hope it stays up on youtube longer this time!

dark girl

2009-06-28T20:47:00.000-07:00

Excuse her

2009-06-28T19:45:00.001-07:00

Just trying to get this up and running. Updates coming soon.