24 October, 2009


I feel like I'm headed into a pretty dark place. Both physically and mentally.
Things with Tom and I are okay for the most part, though when I get really down we tend to argue and he has a temper and I get even more down.

I just really hope that this is the dark before the dawn.


I've been trying to figure out how to plan a (tiny, obviously) wedding/elopement that is cheap yet is still reasonably pretty. I've realized that there's no way I'm going to have my 'dream wedding'. (Seriously, I've always dreamed of a perfect wedding).
There's just no way we can afford anything.
Tom's parents can't (or won't) help pay, and my parent's have had too many medical problems lately to help (my dad has cancer).
I can't take out a loan because I'm in too much debt from last year when we were homeless and had to live in a hotel for three months. And Tom can't even get a bank account thanks to his ex-wife and Hook.
Originally I just wanted a Church Ceremony (free) and then a small reception (with MAYBE 20 people) in a garden. And I was going to make as much as I could by myself... but then I realized that I couldn't find a garden to rent for a couple hours for less than $500. And that's not including chairs, tablecloths, lights, and whatever else. I even considered a backyard wedding but guess what... I don't know anybody with a decent size backyard that isn't a Bishop. Plus I would still have to rent all that stuff. I just don't understand how anyone in this economy can afford a nice wedding. But plenty of people seem to be able to.
Apparently in my town, the average a couple spends on a wedding is $30,000. But now since the economy has gone to shit the average is only $20,000.
"Oh poor me... I only have twenty grand to spend on a wedding. What ever shall I do?" SHUTTHEFUCKUP.

In addition to having no money for a wedding, our lease is up in a month and we are in serious danger of either being homeless, or separated. I don't know what I'll do if we're separated for half a year or so. That would really, really suck.
Tom got laid off but has since then acquired a job. He hasn't started yet... but I don't think it will help much anyway. I have an interview next week but... who knows what will happen. I guess all we can do is pray and hope for the best, while preparing for the worst.

Not to mention that my dog of almost ten years is dying, and I wouldn't be surprised if she IS dead and my mom just doesn't want to tell me. I'll find out eventually. I don't ask her about it because if she is dead I'll probably cry for a long, long time.

And of course I mentioned in my other journal that I have lost SIX friends in the past year (most in the past few months) and I honestly don't understand why or how.
Not much is keeping me from having a breakdown.

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